Aug
29
Posted by admin
This subject hits very close to home for me, because I still struggle with it, day after day. I came across a book called “Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters” by Dr. Meg Meeker. It quipped that there are two types of women in this world, “Princesses” and “Pioneer Women”. They were defined in a manner that caught me off guard, and I felt a need to share it. Princesses believe that they deserve a better life and expect others to serve them. Pioneer women expect that any improvement in their lives will come from their own hard work. They believe they are responsible for their own happiness.
I have to admit that I am a father that wanted my daughter to be my princess. In fact, that is one of her nicknames! But what I needed to be reminded of, was the fact that I have to be very careful in this situation. I had to realize that I need to stop indulging her to the point that she expects always to be on the receiving end. This will lead to her belief that all material, physical, or emotional needs are to be taken care of by someone else. She will start taking things for granted.
So, does this mean that I have to stop lavishing her with gifts, taking her to get her nails done, or buying her new clothes? Not necessarily. How much I give her does not matter as much as the way in which I give. I should be focusing more on teaching her that gifts, love, and attention are wonderful things, but that she is not the center of the world. I do not want her to feel entitled to and selfishly focused on them.
What I need to work on personally, is teaching her how to grow up from being the little princess, to becoming a pioneer woman. A woman that knows that life is the way that it is, but how she gets through it depends on her ability to rely on herself. Teaching a child to be humble is not a science, but can be taught by example.
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Mar
17
Posted by Scott
Several years ago, I was blessed with a job that enabled me to travel and see the world, while working on computers. When I applied for the position, I remember thinking to myself, that I was one of the luckiest people alive. Even going through the stressful paperwork and process of getting a security clearance couldn’t lessen my excitement. I was finally ready to get out in the world and experience one of the greatest adventures of my life.
I was accepted for the position three months before Hailey was born. After she was born, I was granted the clearance, and my first trip out of the country was to Chennai, India. When I got to India, all I could think about was Hailey. I felt guilty for being on the other side of the world, away from her. Part of me felt that I was being punished because the country smelled so bad.
During Hailey’s first year, I was shipped off to another 8 countries. Each time I had to leave, I could tell it was getting harder on her. She started to develop separation anxiety. Parents usually are not the cause of separation anxiety, but the way they deal with it, can make things worse or better. I knew that leaving two weeks out of every month, was making things not only worse for Hailey, but it put hardship on my relationship with her mother. Two weeks can go by very quickly for adults. That is because we have a better concept of time and have had more experience dealing successfully with separation. I knew things had to change. Every single time I stepped out the door with my suitcase, my little girl thought that I was never coming back.
After I came home from Pakistan, I went to my boss and explained my predicament. Even though I was blessed with this wonderful job, it was putting a strain on me and my new family. My boss, who was a father himself, understood completely. He sent me on a “thank you” trip to Ireland all by myself (on St. Patrick’s Day), and that was the last time that I have been out of the country. When I came home, I assured Hailey that I was not traveling any longer, and that I would never ever leave her again.
That is what parents should do, if they work in a position that requires a lot of traveling. You must make sure that your child knows that you will be coming back. You need to call them everyday to reassure them of that fact and that you love them.
Be warned! Riding on a camel, next to the Great Pyramids in Egypt, may sound like a lot of fun. However, you may just find yourself singing “Sally the camel” the whole time, and the pain of being away from you child will override the joy and excitement of it.
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Mar
17
Posted by Scott
This year, I am going to do things a little differently. Well, A LOT differently.
I fear I have become one of THEM – those tired, weary fathers I see making their way home on the train each day. You know who I’m talking about. The ones who like to make jokes about hiding in their basement to watch the football game. Yeah, them.
I don’t want to be one of THOSE guys. I don’t want my children to grow up like Britney Spears, raised by Bratz dolls on some kind of Godless culture where little girls are told to act like supermodels and boys are immersed in countless images of violence while Daddy is busy at work or hiding out watching the game on TV.
This year, when I come home completely exhausted and cranky from a nightmare client meeting to the point that all I want to do is focus on my own sad little problems, instead I’ll focus on you.
This year, when you ask me in your completely sweet and tiny little voice if I’m mad, and when I see you peering up at me as if the look on Daddy’s face could make or break your world, I will make sure to smile because you’re worth it.
This year, I won’t allow myself to become so lost in all of my problems that I don’t see you out of the corner of my eye pretending to be shaving just like Daddy. I will stop myself and watch you trying your hardest to make sense of your world and the people God placed in it, and will take the time to help you on this journey called life.
This year, I will make sure to ask you what your favorite food is, what your favorite color is and what you want to be when you grow up. I will take the time to understand what things are important to you, what questions you have and how I can help you become the person you want to be.
This year, when I have to choose between that super important meeting that “absolutely can’t be missed” and a piano recital, I’ll make the right choice because after all you’ll never be this age again and no money is enough enticement for me to miss YOUR childhood.
And when the kitchen ceiling starts leaking because you decided to stuff five rolls of toilet paper (and God knows what else) in the upstairs toilet thus causing a torrent of water to come cascading down on the night’s supper, rather than screaming at you I shall take the opportunity to dance with you in the rain. After all, what’s a little water when weighed against the unwitting damage that my angry voice could do?
This year, I will read “Goodnight, Moon” at least once a month. I will read it to you just like my mother read it to me, in a soft, whispering voice that speaks of a parent’s warm, soft embrace. I will read it that way because that is how my mother read it to me and I want you to feel as loved as I did when I was a child. I owe you that, at least.
And on Sunday afternoons, when that weekend lull hits and I start feeling tired to the point that I’m counting the minutes until you fall asleep and I too can go to bed, I will remind myself that a day will come in the not too distant future that I will wish I could go back to that very moment and do it all over again. I will stop wishing the day would go faster, or the night would come quicker. I will stop looking forward to tomorrow, or next week, or next month. I will remain in the here and the now because you are here with me here and now and one day you won’t be here anymore.
And this year, I will always remember that each of you are only visiting. That one day I will turn around and you won’t be here anymore and as much as I wish you were still here there will be nothing I can do to get you back.
And so, every night when I come home from work I will take at least 5 minutes just to look at you. To see how you’ve changed, to see what you’ve learned and to really know you as a person. I will listen to your day’s stories with all of my heart and attention, even if the only thing I want is to eat dinner.
This year, I won’t rush through your bedtimes stories as if I’m somewhere else, all the time thinking about something that someone said at work, forgetting to act out the lines or make that funny Elmo voice. And when you ask me to read that one incredibly long story that seems to take forever, I won’t beg you to pick something else. I will read it because I am your father and if I don’t read it to you, who else will?
This year, I will stop to listen when you laugh. I will let your laughter fill my heart with gladness and joy, for if a man can’t find salvation in the laughter of a child then he simply isn’t a man.
This year, I will make every moment with you count. I won’t allow my mind to wander on to all of those other concerns that plague the 30 something mind. I will tell my mind to stop wandering, to stop searching for answers when right before me is the beauty of God and that nothing in all the world can be more important than really knowing you.
And if I have done my job, at the end of this year I will feel as if it was a year well spent.
Sure, I will be sad because you and I will be a year older and our time left together will inevitably be shorter. Alas, there is not much I can do about that. But at least I will know who you are, how you think, what you like and what you ARE like. I will have been there during all of the good moments and the bad ones too when you really needed me. I will have been the father God asked me to be on the very day you were conceived and your life was set into motion.
All of this is true. But even more importantly, I will not feel as if I have squandered my time with you on this earth on account of such trivial concerns as work or money or the big baseball game on TV. If all goes to plan, I will not find myself crying as I am now typing these very words, filled with sorrow for all of the wonderful things about you that I missed, wishing for the return of a year that will never come again in a life as precious, special and truly holy as your’s.
I will finally have loved you, as a father should. And THAT, sweet child, shall be my New Year’s Resolution.
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Mar
17
Posted by Scott
This year is the start of my new life. I am dedicating every bit of energy that I have, to improve my relationship with my child.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful relationship with my daughter. I try to see her every time her mother allows me to. At the very least, I talk to her everyday over the phone. As a single parent, especially a single father, I feel like we have a bad rep in this country. It seems that in today’s society, most women are not used to relating to a single father wanting to be more involved in their kids’ lives, because usually the roles are reversed. I have found this very hard to cope with. For me, it is too easy to love my daughter with all of my heart, and I cannot understand how a father could ever abandon his children. Furthermore, I can not relate to those who make excuses for not paying child support, or those who do not show up to their soccer game or dance recitals.
Sitting here writing this first post, the thought of missing something in my child’s life, crosses my mind. It may be as simple as the first time she has learned to sound out the letter “k”, or the first time that she folded her pizza before she eats it. I have missed things like that. However, it is these little things that I refuse to miss in her life anymore, even though she does not live with me full time. After coming to this realization, I moved two and a half minutes from her, and I am determined to work on my relationship with her ever day. Even though I may miss those things while she is gone, I am determined to see them the second time around.
This is why I wanted to start a blog, to chronicle my life as a single father. I have so many obstacles standing before me in my quest. The biggest being the typical stereotype of men with children in the court system. Along with my quest to squash this terrible stereotype that is haunting me, I will be posting articles that have helped me get closer to my daughter, along with insights on parenting in general.
I really hope this will help me become the best father, ever!
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